#50 Alcohol
Sep 16th, 2009 by pfi
All accountants are alcoholics. An alcoholic is a person who by definition cannot get enough alcohol and constantly seeks more. Not surprisingly, this fits all accountants, from those who drink by themselves to those who are always dressed for the club while at work.
Throughout college, accountants grew up on beer. A few of them even took classes on viticulture, which qualifies them as wine experts after two quarters worth of courses. When they have graduated to the workforce, accountants drink beer at company socials, partake of wine at dinners, and down shots at recruiting events. Note that when a company limits drinks at these events, accountants wind up that much more wasted.
From the days of the classroom to the conference room, accountants can drink. Not only can they drink, but accountants are among the most productive professionals after drinking. That is to say, while most people need to recover the next day, you will find accountants at work early the next day. This post-hangover productivity is well practiced by accountants during annual training where they stay out all night and sit in all day.
While accountants receive decent salaries, this does not stop accountants from making up their self-perceived undercompensation with liquid paychecks. Accountants are able to receive a constant supply of free booze from company functions and recruiting events.
Accountants tend to be risk averse individuals. As such, companies provide accountants with a safe cab policy. This policy is that although accountants should drink in moderation, a cab ride home is covered by the company with no questions asked.
If an accountant insists that they don’t drink, you can bet that they are able to drink you under the table. If you want to impress an accountant, simply figure out what kind of alcohol they prefer the most. You can be confident that your gift will be put to good use.
Oh, lordy…this is so very true. When I was recruiting, I loved that the students always thought they were hardcore drinkers, until they meet the public accountants and realize what the profession does to your liver.
Remember…it isnt a 4/15 party until some first year staff makes an ass of themself
No more booze events…no ‘safe cab policy’ at this big 4 firm…plenty of drinky despite all this
it hasn’t been this way since i started at the big 4 a few years ago. i’ve heard about these parties, and i experienced them as an intern, but this post reminds me of all we’ve lost. i think i’ve gotten 3 beers from my company over the past year.
At our 2007 Christmas party (with open bar on a Friday), a first year staff became extremely intoxicated. He passed out on the floor of the bathroom and the manager of the bar called an ambulance. The kid threw up all over himself, and pooped his pants. When he was getting loaded into the ambulance, a manager took the kid’s cell phone out of his pocket and called his mother to say “so and so has had too much to drink, and is being taken to the hospital.” HR called the kid on Saturday to let him know he still had a job. He came to work on Monday as if nothing had happened. But boy oh boy people from other offices in my firm even talk about this catastrophe.
We actually were given drink tickets for our most recent (big 4)company function. 3 drink tickets redeemable for a beer or maybe wine, but certainly no cocktails.
And I’ve never even heard of a safe cab policy. Although, if the firms cared about our well-being as much as they claim to, that would be a mighty fine idea.
@6- KPMG has a SafeCab policy for when there’s alcohol served at a firm-sponsored event. Granted there haven’t been very many firm-sponsored drinking events this year…but the policy still exists. Several of us used it last year at our xmas party and were never questioned about our expense reports
Drinking is so wide spread and accepted at my last firm that even the Principal in charge of the tax department regulary gets so drunk on wine that he throws up and can’t make it into work the next day. And yes he runs it all through on his expense reports. His drinking actually benefits most of us staff because he has a big mouth and loves to share all of the good gossip on all of his fellow partners after a few glasses of wine.
“…accountants receive decent salaries…”
LIES! Have you ever divided your salary by hours worked in a fiscal year (or even budgeted hours), and adjusted for overtime? I guarantee the interns are making more than you per hour.
Otherwise, all true. Seen some pretty crazy sh*t go down at the 4/15 party, even after we got limited to beer and mixed drinks… no more shots in this economy
One of our bigshot partners keeps a bottle of the hard stuff at his desk. You can tell he’s been drinking at work when you smell his cologne coming down the hall before you actually see him.
Clyde- any chance that’s a Deloitte Xmas story from Portland?
At my firm, I’ve always known that one of the partners keeps bud light in the main kitchen. Somehow I only discovered the fully stocked liquor cabinet last week.
CA CPA – no, this took place in NJ.
This post is so true. One of the first firm events I attended one of the head partners in the office came up to a group of us and insisted that we drink and drink all that we wanted. He then went on to note that they had already hired us and wasn’t going to fire us for getting too drunk.
What liquid paychecks? Once recession started I had to pay for all drinks myself.
I think it’s well established that KPMG is the party firm. Even in the recession, still partying. Deloitte hasn’t had an event in 18 months…but we get a nice new university instead. It’s all good.
We took a first year out (big 4) and we all drank EIGHT shots of sambuca………EACH!!!!! Needless to say he was really drunk and couldn’t even walk in a straight line!!!!! LMAO LOL.
[…] truth, the favorite recreational beverage for accountants is beer. Diet coke competes with coffee for most essential food […]
this is so true. One of the male seniors that i work with loves to pound shots when we are out as a team and perform splits on the dance floor. He usually follows it up with the robot.
Dear sir,
Your remarks re all accountants being alcoholics are rude, offensive, obnoxious, toxic, boorish, reprehensible, untrue, pathetic, Nancy-Pelosi-ish, unkind, obsequious, lacking in value, human dignity and a sincere host of other obtuse, unapologetic, filthy, immoral, corrupt, catty, sophomoric, and a host of equally despicable appelations. Quite possibly, it may be the most ambidexterous thing I have ever heard in my 58 years of traipsing this mortal coil. So don’t get me started, pal.
I am an accountant and an alcoholic. I became an alcoholic the good old fashiohed way by having a father who occasionally said un-nice things about me and a mother who thought good up-bringing consisted of keeping prepared foods on the table and making us poor children lunch every summer day whilst forcing us to listen to classical music on the radio (I think it was the CBC, for yes, she was a cannuck, yes, a smash-mouth-hockey-lovin far of the famed Don Cherry, yup, a Molson-export-swiggin daughter of McKensie Phillips who developed a a great and tremendous curling arm (and I am speaking of “the Rock” for all you Newfies, Saskatooners and British Columbiers).
Accountancy certainly did not cause my condition, it merely agitated it in the same way pouring a gallon of high-test gas on the flambe-ing bananas foster delicately turning tosty on the BBQ can only be improved by moving one of them 4,000 cfs factory turbo fans onto the patio to just sorta help the gas along…
So did I learn to drink the hard stuff and afterward refilling the bottle with precious H20 at age 8? You bet! But did the good Big-8 firm I cut my teeth on make me what I have become? H-E-double- hockey-sticks NO. I was predestined for this turn to greatness more strongly that a Calvinist at Mardi-Gras. So no mere beer, not the pitchers of martoonies served with platters of olves and pickled onions, nay no hop-slop could encourage the inbibing of this ol’boy.
BY the way, did I tell you all wat a great guy you all are. Opps, I mean you gals and guys? Can chicks be guys? I once had a gal pal who was one of the guys….Hey look a shiny thing…..
I’m a CPA who does NOT drink.
So much for your opening premise.
Satire, obviously.
Darn, no new updates. I really liked this blog too XD
19CA-CPA, Poor you, why you do not drink? I make an ass of myself at parties (and alone at home)
I can’t believe this had to wait until #50… at my firm, it ranks in the top 5 at least.
Began with big 8 and became a partner in two big 4 firms. While much is tongue-in-cheek, an undeniable truth remains…CPAs can work hard, play hard, and work hard again the next day. Been there done that!
Lol. We should just pay all accountants with booze
This was the dark ages – back when schmoozing was the most important aspect of the job. The money flowed, the booze flowed, the tasteless jokes about race, gender and sexuality (and whatever else could be corrupted) flowed.
Oh, joy… wasn’t that just loads of fun?
Can’t say I miss it.
Yes, I beleive that accountants drink but I disagree that all are alcoholic. I mean, most of us drink but not most of us are alcoholic. We drink but in moderation and we know how to control things. Mind over matter.
Drinking is one way of freeing ourselves from the stress that we are experiencing in work and in outside world. There are also times due to drinking we can think more wisely and somtimes even solve problems.
Most of the accountants I know are ‘functional acloholics’. Getting drink to university levels seems to be normal. Partners drink to excess and want drinking buddies from junior staff. Any ‘foreign trips’ are month long alcohol binges. I’m just worried about all the liver disease issues that will emerge in the next 20 years. Drinking a bottle of whiskey a night + cocktails ‘for a laugh’. Sigh.
First of all, if you’re a CPA I hope and pray that you’re intelligent enough to recognize satire as being a form of humor, even if you don’t find it funny. Quit taking it so seriously. Sheesh.
Second – I’m an HR Rep with 17 years experience, and I come from a very long line of business men and women. Out of all the business people I’ve grown up around and now work around – including CEO’s, Partners, HR Directors (you wanna talk about inhumane amounts of stress?), VP’s of Finance, you name ‘em I’ve met ‘em – the hardest of the hard-core drinkers that I’ve ever met have all been Accountants. I am not joking. That’s not to say that all of the Accountants that I’ve ever met have been alcoholics or just flat-out drunks (after all, alcoholics go to meetings, right?). I’m just saying, if you go to a company function and find someone puking, or flinging under garments at tree limbs, or pounding double-shots long after most others have stopped drinking completely – odds are, they’re from the Accounting department. Lord knows that Accounting certainly gives ME the urge to drink (ugh).
Best gift would have to be a nice bottle of wine!
I know of a drunk audit partner in Houston who showed a female his private parts @ a GT function. The bad part is that he is still there and she is gone. Yes, they are all alcoholics and they get away with everything.